Like any self-respecting guy with delusions of mechanical grandeur, I consider myself pretty handy with a wrench. Alternator/plugs/starters/belts/oil/awesome yet simultaneously useless cosmetic stuff? I’m your guy. Are you a co-worker that is having issues with their car? Yeah, I’m gonna say that’s your master cylinder.
But, I’ve hit a road block. Actually, more like a police spike strip. I’ve got some issues with my 60 that I’m never going to get to fixing. Every night, I pull into the driveway stare at Bruce, and he stares back at me. Then for kicks, directly through my soul. I tell him, “Sorry buddy. I’ll get to it when I get some time.” Lying to yourself only gets you so far, but it doesn’t get you very far in your sweet desert tan land cruiser. And it most certainly doesn’t get you down to the liquor store to pick up another bottle of brandy for your old lady.
The weather is getting crisp, the leaves are turning that golden hue, and a nagging melancholy reflection grows as long as the days do short. And there’s Bruce, drunk again sitting in the corner, flirting with your old lady. Much to your dismay and his chagrin, she’s flirting back. Clutching onto a Budweiser with one hand, malcontent in the other, it’s nearing closing time and he’s looking to pick a fight with someone, anyone. In comes Old Man Winter reading the Farmers Almanac and spouting off about el nino wind currents.
Not much any of us can do to stop what’s about to happen next. Bruce slowly saunters up, “Look boys, Lil’ ole Spring just decided to join us for a drink.” Staring at Old Man Winters, he slurs out, “You got your flowers yet, Spring? Maybe some a couple daisies for the lady here?”
Old Man Winters coolly sets down the Farmers Almanac and a hush falls over Dukes & Boots.
Bruce takes the last swig of the beer and chuckles, “I happen to know there’s two things you can’t do….Read….or Fight.”
Frankly, I can’t blame him. For the past six months, he’s been like an Ozark Mountain hellcat locked up in this zoo known as suburbia-hell. If he’s gonna pick a fight, so be it, but I’m not sending my son into battle riding a nag. So let’s get to the bolt breaking before Bruce loses his head gasket.
I’m looking for someone that knows their way around an FJ60 that can help with the following issues:
1. Exhaust Manifold Gasket Replaced: The exhaust manifold gasket is spewing lava directly onto the carb. I mean, DIRECTLY onto the carb. While that was fun to write, it’s gonna boil over. If that doesn’t happen, the exhaust has extra fuel vapor from a poorly tuned carb and is dirty dancing with 35 yrd electrical wiring. Sparks are in the air, but, like, in the worst way possible.
2. Speaking of carbs – Anyone around here still know how to rebuild them?
3. Lug studs – They were the worst then, they are the worst now. 4/6 on one wheel. 5/6 on another. Help.
4. Frame rails – I was somehow hoping that the rust on the rear frame rails was magically going to disappear, but it didn’t. I need to get those boxed in before this truck tries to kill me again in what I am slowly coming to the conclusion may be a murder suicide type thing.
Welp, that’s it for now. Let me know who and/or how much, and we’ll take it from there.
For those of you wondering, yes, I found Bruce and bought him back from the guy that bought him from me a few years ago. Charles, if you’re reading this, I hope your new life is treating you as well as it should. If it isn’t yet, have faith.
It’s coming full circle, people.
Subaru Ad Response: Time Magazine
The is way late, but The Drive found Subaru Impreza: To Drive or Burn as Firewood about Thumper. The article was written by Ben Keeshin, who, sounds like a good guy.
Now and again, one reads a text that bears the entirety of its author’s soul: Anne Frank’s diary, Joan Didion’s Year of Magical Thinking, Thoreau’s Walden. Great pieces of literature, holding down the “feelings” end of the canon. This is a little different. Today’s utterly-personal, spiritually-comprehensive read comes from Craigslist, where an unknown man wrote a post titled, “2006 Subaru Impreza Wagon: To drive or burn as firewood.” I have never met this man. I don’t even know his name. But his essence? That I have drunk like a booze-deprived, calorie-deficient housewife sets upon her afternoon Margarita.
He starts with a stellar, grabby title. It’s informative, too—the listed car’s year, make and model are present—and minces no words in describing the listed object’s condition: Deplorable. So bad, in fact, that the author suggests his car be burned for fuel.
Now, the number of utterly busted ‘06 Imprezas on Craigslist counts in the high hundreds. (To paraphrase an oft-used line, if you’re going buy a decade-old, performance-oriented, economy car third-hand, don’t.) While we’re sure this particular car, named “Thumper,” harbors the usual population of mechanical and electrical gremlins, this ad shines because of the depth and poetry with which the author outlines the Impreza’s more abstract sins.
First, there’s its free-love, patchouli-wearing, peacenik past; this Impreza is a recovering hippie car. According to the post, the former owner is currently in the Peace Corps, living in a mud hut “somewhere between a Heaven’s Gate meeting and Bernie Sanders Rally.” Sounds pretty altruistic, dude, but it is hard to get self-righteousness out of the upholstery.
Then, the self-described “ambivalent” owner declares that this Subaru, though it appears to be a mortal vessel, actually hosts the occult. The Subie is “Haunted/Possessed.” After pulling into a truck stop to snooze, the owner suffered possession and drove, while asleep, in circles around the parking lot. Though no one, nary a lot lizard, was harmed, poltergeists are never a “plus” in a used car.
The ad goes on. It notes that the car is responsible for the author’s return to the frozen hellscape of Minnesota, and that the trunk is large and very usable, though the hatch requires a small dowel (included) to stay open. The manual transmission makes the car feel like the “younger cousin at the Rally family gathering that no one likes,” while the engine is supposedly the same as that in a Porsche “Boxer.”
Ultimately, the writer concludes that the Impreza is a decent ride, despite a worn-out clutch and some dings and dents. He hates it, but not with good reason. Resentment can seep into any relationship, no? As a final note, the author gestures towards a future beyond “Thumper” and its myriad hauntings and problems: “Here is a picture of Thumper in all his glory. Or her glory. I don’t know – it’s a pretty androgynous vehicle, still trying to establish its identity on the highway of life.” Even as he says goodbye to a bedeviling beast, the poster wonders at the nature of its humanity. Sounds like a good guy.
Once You Pop
To: Mr. Pringle
C/O: Customer Service
Dear Mr. Pringle,
How are you? I am doing well, thank you for asking. Winter finally broke here in Watersmeet, which means we’ve got one more month until winter. ha! I’m kidding. That’s just a little Watersmeet humor for you. I get a little nervous talking to famous people.
Me and the Misses are just here relaxing on a Saturday evening listening to a Harry Belafonte record. Have you heard of him? I think he’s a colored gentleman based on his voice, but I can’t be to sure because the record cover picture makes him look more like an Italian than anything.
Anyway, I’m writing today because Carol was at the grocery today and with it being the Sunday after the pension check comes in and all, she wanted to do something special for supper. God bless her baptist ass, 31 years later and she’s still doing her best to surprise me. That’s why I love her.
Well, beside the register at the grocery, there was a special on Wavy Pringles: Apple Smoked Cheddar Artifical Flavor / Con Sabor Artificial.
Mr. Pringle – Wow. Those smokey sons of guns knocked my socks off in the best way possible. I applaud you for your superior chip intuition and for making a chip that goes so well with carol’s tatertot hotdish.
I do have two questions for you, though.
1. Where can we get real ”Con Sabor” seasoning? If it is this good artificial, I can only imagine what it is like real. Carol also thinks it’d be good to enough to help her win crowd favorite in next year’s Holiday Hotdish Competition for Christ (Don’t ask, it’s a Michigan Baptist thing)
2. Are those real cheese wedges scootin’ down the chip on the can? If so, was it a extra large chip or did you somehow magnify a regular size chip with very small cheese wedges? Carol thinks it’s more likely magnifying a regular size chip. However, after from working in a manufacturing plant for 34 years, I can safely say you have the capabilities to make a giant chip to meet the weight of regular size cheese wedges.
If you could let me know about both, I’d sure appreciate it. And thank you taking the time to write us back. I know you must have a very busy schedule with future chip development.
Very sincerely,
Brian Olgam
Post Script: Part way through this letter I turned the record and Mr. Belefonte was singing in mexican, so I am now more confused and your guess is as good as mine as to his ethnicity.
Kellogg’s Response
Brian,
It’s great to know that you think Pringles® Wavy Applewood Smoked Cheddar really stack up. Guess we have something in common! You bring up some interesting questions, so thanks for letting me give the answers a shot.
The “Con Sabor Artificial” on the label is the Spanish translation for “Artificially Flavored”. We include such translations for the ease of our fans who are Hispanic. The exact flavors are a special recipe. It sounds like Carol is quite the cook, so I’m sure she’ll be able to whip up her own secret flavor combination in no time.
A giant Pringles® crisp would be a thing of beauty, but Carol is right. To showcase the winning flavor of Pringles® Wavy Applewood Smoked Cheddar, we magnified our regular size crisp and put small cheese wedges sliding down the crisp. Imagine, instead of snow covered hills, gliding along cheese-filled crisps. That’s a winter season that I wouldn’t mind having 11 months of the year.
I’m never too busy for family like you! To help you and Carol with your next purchase, I’m sending a free product coupon via mail. Watch for it to show up within 7-10 business days.
Thanks again, Brian, for the chat. I wish you and yours all the best!
Mr. Pringles
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Pringles Consumer Affairs
Thanks, Kathryne.