Like any self-respecting guy with delusions of mechanical grandeur, I consider myself pretty handy with a wrench. Alternator/plugs/starters/belts/oil/awesome yet simultaneously useless cosmetic stuff? I’m your guy. Are you a co-worker that is having issues with their car? Yeah, I’m gonna say that’s your master cylinder.
But, I’ve hit a road block. Actually, more like a police spike strip. I’ve got some issues with my 60 that I’m never going to get to fixing. Every night, I pull into the driveway stare at Bruce, and he stares back at me. Then for kicks, directly through my soul. I tell him, “Sorry buddy. I’ll get to it when I get some time.” Lying to yourself only gets you so far, but it doesn’t get you very far in your sweet desert tan land cruiser. And it most certainly doesn’t get you down to the liquor store to pick up another bottle of brandy for your old lady.
The weather is getting crisp, the leaves are turning that golden hue, and a nagging melancholy reflection grows as long as the days do short. And there’s Bruce, drunk again sitting in the corner, flirting with your old lady. Much to your dismay and his chagrin, she’s flirting back. Clutching onto a Budweiser with one hand, malcontent in the other, it’s nearing closing time and he’s looking to pick a fight with someone, anyone. In comes Old Man Winter reading the Farmers Almanac and spouting off about el nino wind currents.
Not much any of us can do to stop what’s about to happen next. Bruce slowly saunters up, “Look boys, Lil’ ole Spring just decided to join us for a drink.” Staring at Old Man Winters, he slurs out, “You got your flowers yet, Spring? Maybe some a couple daisies for the lady here?”
Old Man Winters coolly sets down the Farmers Almanac and a hush falls over Dukes & Boots.
Bruce takes the last swig of the beer and chuckles, “I happen to know there’s two things you can’t do….Read….or Fight.”
Frankly, I can’t blame him. For the past six months, he’s been like an Ozark Mountain hellcat locked up in this zoo known as suburbia-hell. If he’s gonna pick a fight, so be it, but I’m not sending my son into battle riding a nag. So let’s get to the bolt breaking before Bruce loses his head gasket.
I’m looking for someone that knows their way around an FJ60 that can help with the following issues:
1. Exhaust Manifold Gasket Replaced: The exhaust manifold gasket is spewing lava directly onto the carb. I mean, DIRECTLY onto the carb. While that was fun to write, it’s gonna boil over. If that doesn’t happen, the exhaust has extra fuel vapor from a poorly tuned carb and is dirty dancing with 35 yrd electrical wiring. Sparks are in the air, but, like, in the worst way possible.
2. Speaking of carbs – Anyone around here still know how to rebuild them?
3. Lug studs – They were the worst then, they are the worst now. 4/6 on one wheel. 5/6 on another. Help.
4. Frame rails – I was somehow hoping that the rust on the rear frame rails was magically going to disappear, but it didn’t. I need to get those boxed in before this truck tries to kill me again in what I am slowly coming to the conclusion may be a murder suicide type thing.
Welp, that’s it for now. Let me know who and/or how much, and we’ll take it from there.
For those of you wondering, yes, I found Bruce and bought him back from the guy that bought him from me a few years ago. Charles, if you’re reading this, I hope your new life is treating you as well as it should. If it isn’t yet, have faith.
It’s coming full circle, people.
Subaru Ad Response: Time Magazine
The is way late, but The Drive found Subaru Impreza: To Drive or Burn as Firewood about Thumper. The article was written by Ben Keeshin, who, sounds like a good guy.
Now and again, one reads a text that bears the entirety of its author’s soul: Anne Frank’s diary, Joan Didion’s Year of Magical Thinking, Thoreau’s Walden. Great pieces of literature, holding down the “feelings” end of the canon. This is a little different. Today’s utterly-personal, spiritually-comprehensive read comes from Craigslist, where an unknown man wrote a post titled, “2006 Subaru Impreza Wagon: To drive or burn as firewood.” I have never met this man. I don’t even know his name. But his essence? That I have drunk like a booze-deprived, calorie-deficient housewife sets upon her afternoon Margarita.
He starts with a stellar, grabby title. It’s informative, too—the listed car’s year, make and model are present—and minces no words in describing the listed object’s condition: Deplorable. So bad, in fact, that the author suggests his car be burned for fuel.
Now, the number of utterly busted ‘06 Imprezas on Craigslist counts in the high hundreds. (To paraphrase an oft-used line, if you’re going buy a decade-old, performance-oriented, economy car third-hand, don’t.) While we’re sure this particular car, named “Thumper,” harbors the usual population of mechanical and electrical gremlins, this ad shines because of the depth and poetry with which the author outlines the Impreza’s more abstract sins.
First, there’s its free-love, patchouli-wearing, peacenik past; this Impreza is a recovering hippie car. According to the post, the former owner is currently in the Peace Corps, living in a mud hut “somewhere between a Heaven’s Gate meeting and Bernie Sanders Rally.” Sounds pretty altruistic, dude, but it is hard to get self-righteousness out of the upholstery.
Then, the self-described “ambivalent” owner declares that this Subaru, though it appears to be a mortal vessel, actually hosts the occult. The Subie is “Haunted/Possessed.” After pulling into a truck stop to snooze, the owner suffered possession and drove, while asleep, in circles around the parking lot. Though no one, nary a lot lizard, was harmed, poltergeists are never a “plus” in a used car.
The ad goes on. It notes that the car is responsible for the author’s return to the frozen hellscape of Minnesota, and that the trunk is large and very usable, though the hatch requires a small dowel (included) to stay open. The manual transmission makes the car feel like the “younger cousin at the Rally family gathering that no one likes,” while the engine is supposedly the same as that in a Porsche “Boxer.”
Ultimately, the writer concludes that the Impreza is a decent ride, despite a worn-out clutch and some dings and dents. He hates it, but not with good reason. Resentment can seep into any relationship, no? As a final note, the author gestures towards a future beyond “Thumper” and its myriad hauntings and problems: “Here is a picture of Thumper in all his glory. Or her glory. I don’t know – it’s a pretty androgynous vehicle, still trying to establish its identity on the highway of life.” Even as he says goodbye to a bedeviling beast, the poster wonders at the nature of its humanity. Sounds like a good guy.
Once You Pop
To: Mr. Pringle
C/O: Customer Service
Dear Mr. Pringle,
How are you? I am doing well, thank you for asking. Winter finally broke here in Watersmeet, which means we’ve got one more month until winter. ha! I’m kidding. That’s just a little Watersmeet humor for you. I get a little nervous talking to famous people.
Me and the Misses are just here relaxing on a Saturday evening listening to a Harry Belafonte record. Have you heard of him? I think he’s a colored gentleman based on his voice, but I can’t be to sure because the record cover picture makes him look more like an Italian than anything.
Anyway, I’m writing today because Carol was at the grocery today and with it being the Sunday after the pension check comes in and all, she wanted to do something special for supper. God bless her baptist ass, 31 years later and she’s still doing her best to surprise me. That’s why I love her.
Well, beside the register at the grocery, there was a special on Wavy Pringles: Apple Smoked Cheddar Artifical Flavor / Con Sabor Artificial.
Mr. Pringle – Wow. Those smokey sons of guns knocked my socks off in the best way possible. I applaud you for your superior chip intuition and for making a chip that goes so well with carol’s tatertot hotdish.
I do have two questions for you, though.
1. Where can we get real ”Con Sabor” seasoning? If it is this good artificial, I can only imagine what it is like real. Carol also thinks it’d be good to enough to help her win crowd favorite in next year’s Holiday Hotdish Competition for Christ (Don’t ask, it’s a Michigan Baptist thing)
2. Are those real cheese wedges scootin’ down the chip on the can? If so, was it a extra large chip or did you somehow magnify a regular size chip with very small cheese wedges? Carol thinks it’s more likely magnifying a regular size chip. However, after from working in a manufacturing plant for 34 years, I can safely say you have the capabilities to make a giant chip to meet the weight of regular size cheese wedges.
If you could let me know about both, I’d sure appreciate it. And thank you taking the time to write us back. I know you must have a very busy schedule with future chip development.
Very sincerely,
Brian Olgam
Post Script: Part way through this letter I turned the record and Mr. Belefonte was singing in mexican, so I am now more confused and your guess is as good as mine as to his ethnicity.
Kellogg’s Response
Brian,
It’s great to know that you think Pringles® Wavy Applewood Smoked Cheddar really stack up. Guess we have something in common! You bring up some interesting questions, so thanks for letting me give the answers a shot.
The “Con Sabor Artificial” on the label is the Spanish translation for “Artificially Flavored”. We include such translations for the ease of our fans who are Hispanic. The exact flavors are a special recipe. It sounds like Carol is quite the cook, so I’m sure she’ll be able to whip up her own secret flavor combination in no time.
A giant Pringles® crisp would be a thing of beauty, but Carol is right. To showcase the winning flavor of Pringles® Wavy Applewood Smoked Cheddar, we magnified our regular size crisp and put small cheese wedges sliding down the crisp. Imagine, instead of snow covered hills, gliding along cheese-filled crisps. That’s a winter season that I wouldn’t mind having 11 months of the year.
I’m never too busy for family like you! To help you and Carol with your next purchase, I’m sending a free product coupon via mail. Watch for it to show up within 7-10 business days.
Thanks again, Brian, for the chat. I wish you and yours all the best!
Mr. Pringles
We’re always here to help. Additional comments or photos are welcome. Please share them by clicking here to add to this conversation.
Pringles Consumer Affairs
Irish Spring Soap Question
To: Irish Spring Soap
C/O Customer Service
Dear Sir or Madam:
I hope the weather is nice wherever you are reading this. While I can’t be certain, I’m guessing it is Ireland, as your name implies.
The intent of this letter is to settle a dispute I’ve had with my wife, Carol, regarding Irish Spring soap for quite a few years. First, though, I want to take this unique opportunity to give you some history on my use of Irish Spring.
I’ve been a loyal customer for many years. It is a wonderful product and I don’t see the need to use any other soap. In fact, I guess now that I put pen to paper, I’ve been a customer since the summer of 1984. Up until then, I considered myself a Dial soap man. On the off chance, I grabbed a box of Irish Spring, because at the time they were packaged relatively similar. You can imagine my surprise when I got home! Money was tight then, so I couldn’t buy more and had to make due. It was a life changing experience to say the least and I never went back to Dial.
Since that fortunate mistake, Irish Spring the only thing in our shower. I, frankly, don’t have the time or energy for body washes or washcloths. I’ve found the bar soap does a fine and efficient job. Wash my hair with it. Wash my legs with it. Wash my face with it. In that order.
I even got my two sons to use Irish Spring, as well, and they carry on the tradition in their homes. I like to say we’re a “Spring Cleaning Family.”
Well, to the meat and potatoes of this business. Here is my question: Is the name Irish Spring talking about the season, Spring, or is it talking about a water spring, like a waterhole for swimming?
I strongly believe and have been under the impression for quite some time because of the green packaging that it is referencing the season, while Carol mistakenly thinks it is referencing the water.
I’ve tried to tell her numerous times no one in a sound mind would want to smell like a nearly stagnant pool of water. I went to a spring on my uncle’s farm when I was 12 (or “a wee lad” as you say in Ireland.) To be honest, it smelled like rotten hay and coyote urine. But, she won’t listen.
I have smelled Watersmeet, Michigan for the past 64 years, and it smells very pleasant in the Spring. I would be curious to know if Ireland smells in any way similar due to its relatively similar latitude.
I haven’t been to Ireland, but sometimes imagine I have. I imagine it’s a place that’s clean and open. A place that doesn’t have hard winters and there’s always a job available. A place where a man can be happy.
A good place.
A different place.
Also, I’ve heard you don’t have many Catholics there, which would be a pleasant change of pace from Watersmeet recently.
Thank you for your time and hope you might be able to send me an answer, so I can finally tell Carol she is wrong in writing. Which if I know Carol, and I do, it will really get her goat.
If I am incorrect and Carol is right, please don’t write back as she sometimes checks this electronic mail account.
Thank you,
Brian Olgam
Post Script: I do have a few extra bars I found from the early 1990’s if you would like them for any sort of product museum.
Colgate Response
Brian Jones Response to Colgate Mr. Jones,
While I appreciate your response, I don’t believe you. Furthermore, I’m still not sure why the toothpaste company is being referenced. Did this possibly get sent to the wrong address?
I was trying to reach Irish Spring soap company.
Thank you,Brian
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Letter to Owner: Spring Rolls – Part 3
Date: November 15, 2017
Malisa,
Hey-ooo. Can you believe it’s actually Wednesday already?
I’m writing today to officially say the spring rolls have been restored to their former glory. Obviously, this is with a “post-texture change” asterisk, but nevertheless, I’m sleeping a little easier knowing I can be-bop in and get a healthy dose of rolls whenever I please.
The decision to write you was not taken lightly. In fact, I’ve been suspicious I was just getting lucky. To be sure, I’ve ordered spring rolls four times over the past three weeks at various times of the day with my evening orders being the case control study.
Additionally, I’ve been there with Lulu’s first timers and have asked each of them, in a nonchalant way, what they thought about the spring rolls. Lulu’s Spring Rolls have received three thumbs up. I guess it would actually be six thumbs since there were three people, but I’m sure you can see the the table I’m setting here.
On my most recent trip, I was there with a nationally recognized food writer and we feasted on not four, but eight spring rolls. I actually ate seven of them, but whatever.
So, that’s it for now. I’ll leave you with this. As William Wordsworth said in his 1804 Imitations of Immortality Based on Recollections of Early Childhood, “Another Race Hath Been, And Other Palms Are Won”
Lulu’s spring rolls are once again deserving of palms, praise and other culinary accolades.
Congratulations,
Jason
Response:
No Response
Letter to Owner: Spring Rolls – Part 2
Malisa,
Back again about the spring rolls with another comment.
While I haven’t fully gotten over the texture change, I’ve learned to accept it. Life changes, and apparently so do spring rolls, and continuing to complain about that would be, frankly, crazy.
Anyway, back again with something else. About twice a week, my dinner is four spring rolls and a beer. Light, fresh, and pretty much the perfect size.
Here’s the gripe – You guys have started batching them. Economies of scale, I understand. But, these things have gone down another notch. Once they are in the fridge or just out in the open, the rice papers lose their elasticity, so it’s like eating undercooked pasta.
Occasionally, I catch the batches early enough and the spring rolls are still pliable. I can never pinpoint what day this happens, but it’s always a halcyon day.
Sadly, those days are fleeting and increasing rare. Pretty much these days I’m just using these spring rolls as a vehicle for the peanut sauce.
If you change the peanut sauce, I’m out.
Thanks,
Jason
Response:
Jason,
I am so sorry this has been happening.- I am assuming the Crossroads location? You are 100% correct, the spring rolls should NOT be refrigerated. I have addressed this with the staff and should NOT happen again.
Thank you so much for reaching out to me again!!!!!
I am putting your name on the Food Redemption list for a complimentary order of 4 spring rolls.
NO! I will never change the peanut sauce!
Thank you again
Thank you again
Malisa